So I have kinda been thinking about some things lately, and then getting on here tonight and seeing some of your ladies post about a certain blog...well I felt like I just needed to talk about it. Im not going into detail or anything about that blog, but my heart goes out to this girl.
So ever since last week when I had a pretty heated conversation with Justin about being in the Marine Corps, and how until he actually gets deployed to Afgan, he doesnt feel like he had done his job. Im not going into the whole convo, but it had me upset, just because I dont want to hear this, I dont want to hear how bad he wants to go over there. And hearing his feelings about different things, how I dont understand some things, and how I dont see some things. He is right, I dont see everything that goes on, I dont see everything he goes through, I dont see it. But it also had me thinking about the things he doesnt see. Im gonna stop right here and say, no we werent fighting or arguing, he had be talking to one of his buddies about politics and other stuff dealing with the MC, and he said it just fired him up, so mostly during our phone call I just listened to him express stuff. I was there to do what I am suppose to, just listen to him, let him get some things off his chest. Its the least I can do right?
Ok well like I said it got me thinking about the things he doesnt see, meaning with us women who proudly stand behind our men through any and everything this life may throw at us. I was upset when I got off the phone, and I just needed to get some things off my chest about what I had heard him say, and my side of it so I grabbed a notebook and pencil and started writing. This is what I wrote, and I promise after I will explain, but I hope nobody takes this wrong...
You say there are things I will never understand about you, well there are some you will never understand about me. Like crying yourself to sleep every single night because I miss you so much. You will never know how bad it feels to have your body hurt because its hungry, but you cant eat because the thought of food makes you sick. You will never know how much it sucks knowing he's gone, and you still have to get up and live your life, with a fake smile, acting like it's all ok, but deep down it's killing you that he's so far away. You will never know what it's like to wait for months, trying not to do anything to make you him wonder or worry about your faithfulness, scared to even go to the grocery store, for fear he will assume. You will never see this side of war, the effects it takes on the other half of the soldier. I see this, I see the hurt, the pain, the tears. I see the tolls its takes on strong women when all they ever want is to be with the man they love. I see the very one thing a women lives for being torn away from her in a quick second. I fear this, every military girl fears this. But I also see how a broken women can be built back up, she never loses her strength. She is a fighter, just like the man she loves. You dont see how hard we fight every day. No we dont wear a uniform or carry a gun, but we fight. You will see one side of things, things I will never see, but I see the other side, things that you wont ever see. Yes I wont understand things with you, but you also wont with me.
This past deployment was hard for me. We had our ups and down, our argues and fights. They scared me when we did because I didnt want to fight with him being so far away. I know all couples fight, and I never wanted to get out of this. But just knowing he was mad at me really bothered and hurt me. Between those days we were arguing, and just some of the depressing days in general I ended up losing about 10 pounds, weight I really shouldnt ever lose because I am already small. It wasnt my fault, it just happened. I really hate to admit it, and I hated for Justin to come back and see me like that, but it happened. I am ashamed, but we all deal with things our own ways. I also hardly slept while he was gone. Most nights I would have to take tylenol pm in order to go to sleep. I hated doing it, but if I didnt I would toss and turn all night, just laying there for hours. The next deployment I promise to myself I will do better, I wont let myself get like that again. While he was gone all I really did was just sit at home waiting to talk to him, trying to catch him online. That is what I meant about the part about the being faithful part, that was more talking about our first deployment when we hadnt been dating to long. Plus I really didnt want to go out anywhere and see happy couples, not to be a debby downer. This is hard for me to admit, but I figured that it was time...and I also wanted to explain a little about the paragraph above, and some of the things that were said. Now that Justin is home, I have gained all the weight I lost back, thanks for Florida where all we did was eat lol, and also I sleep sooo much better. I no longer take sleeping pills, and I havent since the day before Justin and I were reunited. I am proud of myself now. And this whole yuckiness wasnt the whole deployment, mostly at the end of it. Time takes its toll, but it also shows you how strong you truly are in the end. I have grown stronger since this deployment, and even though im not sure when it will be, I am looking at this next one on a positive note, and I am not going to let it get to me. I am strong, and I will remain strong.
I posted awhile back about this, but I cant say enough how fortunate I am to have such amazing ladies in my life. Ladies who do understand what I am going through. Ladies who support and uplift, and are just there for you if you ever need anything. As to making a comment on the girl I mentioned briefly in the beginning of this message, my heart does go out to her. I wish she had the support she needed, my heart and prayers go out to her. I hope she sees how much she is loved, and how wonderful us military girls are because we stand together and help each other no matter what happens, we only want the best for each other. I am with all the others who have posted about it...if you ever need someone to talk to, please feel free to email me. stephanie.nicole09@yahoo.com
I love and appreciate all you ladies, I thank you so much for your service, because despite what some may say...we also serve our country.
Semper Fi <3
Awh, you're so awesome.
ReplyDeleteJoseph, too, has talked about how he doesn't feel like a "real" Marine because he hasn't been to Afghanistan. Now that he's deploying in August, he talks about how he doesn't feel like a real Marine because he's non-infantry. I've come to the conclusion my husband is just extremely fickle and will never be happy with anything.
However, I hope I'm as strong as you were through your first deployment. You had a lot of struggles, and I'm glad to see you've made it through and come out on top. :) I hope I can do the same.
P.S. I'm really glad you liked the cheesecake. ;) I'm a horrible cook, but I make some descent desserts.
It is hard to understand why any of our Marines want to leave and go into a war zone, or don't feel like a "real" Marine because of their MOS, but as a Military wife/fiance/girlfriend we need to understand that it is our job to support them. I agree, they will NEVER understand what we go through to support them, but that is what we do.
ReplyDeleteEvery time my husband says I can't wait to get out there, I bite my tongue. Going to Afghanistan is his reality, I can't change that. As hard as it is to hear, I know I need to be the strong and supportive one, and THAT is my reality.
Then again I have not gone through a deployment yet. Check back with me then, Lol.
Thanks for stopping by my blog and reading! I totally understand what you wrote in your letter. We are fighting two separate and different wars. We are going through a lot too at home, and so are they over there. Our lives are just not on the line. But as big of a sacrifice they are making, so are we. Dont feel selfish or wrong or anything about your feelings!
ReplyDelete